Untukmu Para Pengunjung

I slept in the cold bed and looked up at da familiar ceilings.
i slowly got up, dried my tears and walk down da stairs to see Grandad Rupert with his woman talkin, when dey saw me dey smiled.
"You res' up chile?", she asked tying up her purple bathrobe.
I nodded and sat next to grandad.
"You stay here faw as long as you need to," she told me, "you family now." then grandad looked at me and said, "tripti's family want to speak to you when you're ready."
I said, "no no i can't."
"noones forcing you to do it now," shirley said gently, "they just need to know certain tings."
i nodded and looked up at her face, i could see Chelle in her eyes from da pictures i had seen of her on facebook and knowin dat her grandchild was still alive was killin me along wiv da knowledge dat i had set up two deaths, jermaine's and triptis. i put my fone off so faisal couldnt reach me.

"Me got some trotters in the fridge if you hungry," shirley told me, "you need to eat."
I thanked her wiv my eyes and walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge to find the trotters in i fink some curry, i warmed it and ate it, the salty tears droped into my food.
grandad walked in and said, "im going to go buy some milk and bread- shirleys here wit u."
i nodded as i buried my head into his grey trench coat, he stroked my hair and said, "this is a filthy God forsaken city," and left.

5 minutes later shirley walked in and sat opposite me. the kitchen was dark and smelled of so many mixes of food. dere were dim lights and it was smoky.
"I lost two people to," she said lightin up a cigarette.
i looked in her eyes, "losing people is hard," she said, "when you know they there you dont mind not seeing them but when you know youll never see dem again- its the coldest ting, when dey taken from you cos of violence."
I looked down.
"i want you to know dat your friend is in a better place- better than this world and better than this city where people don't know love and God- she in a much better place- safe from murder and pain- i can only hope my daughter and her daughter are there too."

I said, "your daughter?".
"Killed by her boyfriend," she said bluntly,"killed for nuthin but a mistake made by my grandaughter."

her grey hair seemed to attract the different shades of the dim lights as the lamp behind me forced her shadow up against the tiled wall behind her.
"i let tings happen to my gran'chile and its da reason she did tings," she said stubbin her browns against the table.
den she looked at me and titled her head a bit and smiled, den she said, "maltese,basian and eritrean- what a mix- lethal- im sure de boys like you."

I was able to let out a smile.
"boys are bad- men are bad- dey love u hard enough until de cum runs out of dere cock and den u jus a girl or a woman- a man will take your dreams away and your hope and your love for de world- he'll fuck u and fuck up your body, give you kids dat grow up to forget everytin u did for dem and end up wit tits low enough to get familiar with your toes- it aint da life for any woman- tek de advice i wish i couldve given my daughter- be alone."

"but you love my grandad."

"i love him because he knows im a woman- not jus a pussy to be torn out chree times a night- i wish me had an education but back home it wasnt encouraged- me wish me had de oppurtunity to learn tings- make my mind stronger so i could see tings- understand tings- instead of havin to spend tirty years of bein told what to like and what to do by a man with a tirteen inch penis for a brain."

she looked at me again and said, "your friend is ok now-you need to escape dis all Nomi whilse u can chile- tink about it- learn so you can see new tings- so you can leave dese devil kids to kill demselves- you still have a life- my granbaby doesn't- she ws about your age- beautiful girl- tall oh my Chelle- oh Gladys."
den she started cryin and said, "dis world can be as big as you want it to be if you jus work- work will help you escape dis all- itwill take you to better places."

I slept in da bed i had slept in earlier and i wonder if chelle had slept in da same bed. i put on my phone- 62 missed calls from Faisal.
i called him.
"dont say nuffin," he said as he picked up, "meet me in half an hour at your yard."
i agreed and quickly got dressed. it was one in the morning as i snuck out of shirleys house to make my way to my yard.
when i got dere faisal and one of his boys were waitin, we all walked inside and shut the door.
"did you say anyfin to anybody," he asked panicking.
"no," i said holdin back da tears.
"we're in trouble," his bredrin said.
i looked at faisal.
"it wasn't Tripti who told Darren anythin bout me workin wiv feds and u workin wiv us," he said, "Darren already knew- we duppied Tripti for nothin"

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The sky turned grey as Faisal walked up to me and kissed me.
"what did you do to her?", i asked.
He looked at me as we stood alone on the bridge and said, "What needed to be done."
"Is she-"
"Dont watch dat- its taken care of."
Den he pushed my head into his chest as i sobbed, i tried my best not to but i did and he heard me and said, "she was gonna say shit Nomi- uno how tings work."
Then i looked up at him and said, "Did she say anyfin about-"
"Dont watch dat," he whispered gently.

We went back to his drum and it was jus alone. it was raining- dere was lightnin and thunder as i sat in Faisal's front room alone as he made us some food- his fam decided to stay an extra month in morroco so he said i cld stay wiv him.
he brought in the KFC and placed it in front of me, he sat on the sofa, spread his legs and jus watched tv as i cried into the salty chips.
Tripti. My girl.
But i knew shit had to be done- if she said anyfin wed all go down and what about chelle- ssk would find her and get her again- i didnt know her but come to fink of it she was like my half sister, my grandad was seein her nan and da pain i knew her nan was goin tru was enuff wivout findin out ur granpicne hu u fort was dead is alive.

how was i even sure that it was tripti who had told darren about anyfin- maybe someone else knew- was watchin me- but it was 2 late 2 have dem forts now- faisal and his boys had done what dey had done and even if it wasnt tripti who had darren sumfin it didnt matter- she was gone.
i fort about her maj and her fam and how dey would feel and den faisal said, "i need you to help me do sumfin,".
I turned my head and looked at him, my eyes were red from da tears, "deres some guy who try snitch on man- i need to deal wiv him."

I stood up and sat next to him, "Faisal allow it- dis is gettin 2 much- please."
He looked at me and said, "listen- dont forget our deal- u do what we say innit- dont ask fuckin questions- ur gonna do it or else ur out."
I looked to da ground, "dont forget what happened to jermaine- and now tripti- it was u who set dem both up- its 2 late to grow a fucking concious now."
Then he kissed me, i wanted to push him away cos i hadnt told him bout my infection but it was too late his tongue was rollin around in my mouf.
"what's dis guys name?", i asked.
"his name's Mark."




As i walked to college the next day i realized what had happend, cos most of ssk were in pen and all da kinda pussy ones were out Faisal and his man could run shit easily and i was in da middle of it- once man started findin out i rolld with faisal and dem lot dey were gonna see me as ssk's enemy and i culdnt afford dat- but it was too late cs as i got into college i heard da whispers, "she roles with dem arab man innit."

when i took my seat my mind thort of tripti and all da fings we had shared togever, holidays, memories, 9 inch dildos and i got scared of faisal- how he found it so easy to duppy and den my head of year walked in.
"Can I have your attention please," Mrs. Omatayo said.
everyone was still talkin until she shouted, "BE QUIET."
den everyone shut up.
"Unfortuenately- I have some devastating news- Tripti Nairs family reported her missing yesterday afternoon and this morning a body that matched her description was found brutally beaten up- she was pronounced dead half an hour ago."

I burst into tears.
"Ms. Almaz- we have arranged for you to speak to our guidance counsillor as we know you were close- the police are also hear to speak to anybody who may know something that could help the police find out what went on."

the class was proper shocked and horrified, one asian girl who tripti used to celebrate divali with started bawlin. they took me out of the room and into a small office where two police men were sittin with one white lady.
"Hello Nomi- please take a seat."
I took a seat and couldnt stop bawlin.
"Nomi we know you and Tripti were close- we're sorry to hear about this all- her family havebeen informed and they are desperate to speak to you- but first we need to speak to you," the first officer said, "this is my colleague Kelly and the school guidance councillor Nelly- was Tripti involved in anything suspicious."

I looked to the ground and prayed God would forgive me for wat i was about to do, "She was havin an affair with a married man."

their faces all changed with shock, "do you know the name of the man she was having this affair with."

"Gavin Meyers," I said, "Gavin Meyers."


One of the police wrote the name down, "are you sure of this," they asked.
I nodded, "she said he had been gettin a bit violent in the last few weeks- i jus didnt know he could do dis," then i started bawlin.

"when you say violent how do you mean?".

"she told me that whenever she wanted to go out he would punch and slap her."

"did you ever meet Gavin?".

I shook my head.

"do you when the last time Tripti was with Gavin."

"I invited her to come to the park but she said she couldnt cos she was wiv him." Then i broke down in tears. "this is all 2 much," i sobbed, "i cant do dis rite now."

"we understand- but wed like you just to stay with us until your guardian gets here- we know he has been contacted- your grandad right?".

I nodded.

"Nomi- we have a medical report from you- you were gangraped less than a few weeks ago- our department is still on the case just to let you know- we know all this cant be easy- so weve spoken to your college in order to let you have time off and some counsilling- we usually arrange for your exams to be taken into consideration also."

"how do you mean."

"you've been through a lot and so we can ask for you to be given an automatic percentage of your coursework in case you cant do your exams because none of this is your fault."

den i looked at his face and knew dat it was my fault, it was all of my fault.