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I froze.
I fell to da ground and kept shakin ma head. "No no" I started whispering, my head felt light and My eyes were bare blurry and i felt like vomitin. Antoine helped me up to a seat. Daniel sat next to me, "I got a call from your nan - she said your mum's man's been arrested for killin' her."
I blacked out.
When I woke up, I was in bed with an ice patch to my head. "You hit your head," Antoine said sitting at da bedside. I burst into tears cos i knew that i wasn't dreamin. My mum was gone.
"What happened, where's Daniel?", I asked.
"He's talking to the police, listen- are you ok?", Antoine asked scratching his weave.
"What happened to her."
Antoine turned away and a tear ran down his eye, "Rest," he said.
"Nah nah- fuck it- Ive got a rite to now, what happpened to my mum!".
"He killed her!, her man killed her, he told the police that she attacked him and so in self defence he smashed her head against a wall 20 times, her body had been there for ages."

Then it hit me. It was my fault. She attacked him because of what he did wiv me and so he killed her for hitting him. Because I fucked him, she hit him and so he killed her. Because I did dat to my mum she was dead. I wanted to die and just not exist. How the fuck could this be happenin to me. Tears ran down my eyes as I vomited all over the duvet. I didn't stop vomiting because that's how i felt, like sick.
My head rushed back to when i was younger and me and my mum would go to Burger King after following her to get her hair done at my aunty's house and den Id get the toy and make it my Barbie's boyfriend, i remember when at school i was Mary in the christmas play and my mum was bare proud of me and that night on the last day of term we ordered Chinese and just watched bare Jamaican films and just creasin.
Mum im so sorry. I was screamin now- with pain and fear, Daniel rushed up and said, "We need to take her to a hospital."

So we did and the doctor checked me- he told me it was the shock that was making me react like this. I couldn't stop sobbing. Antoine and the doctor left and Daniel was wiv me, "Im sorry," he told me. "I know how much you love your mum." He hugged me and I rested my head on his shoulders hoping i could bury it there- that way I couldnt see anyfin, cos i knew that no matter how hard i looked i would never find my mum again and it was my fault. I didnt tell Daniel this but i said it in my tears- he could hear in da way i sobbed dat i blamed myself and he said, "No no- its not your fault- its dat bastards."
"When's the funeral," I said.
Then Daniel looked at me, "The police spoke to your nan- she said she doesn't want you dere, she says your mum told her about what you did."
He looked at me and said, "You dont have to tell me." I cried some more then he said, "Me and Antoine fink it would be a good idea me and you to go back to London for a bit so I can start shottin again, now SSK are gone it means more customers innit." I nodded.
"We leave tommorow," he said. I nodded.


Going back to Daniel's yard after so long was weird, especially now we were wivout Antoine- but he said hed come check us in a few weeks. When we got back I lay on the couch and watched tv, my heart was still hurtin about ma mum, but somethin inside of me was warm because I knew i had Daniel but the fort of Nathan killin my mum becoz of what I did was killin me so I tried to block it out. Daniel was out shottin and I was home alone, the curtains were closed and I was watchin dat Sexetera show and I was getting bare horny. I couldn't wait for Daniel to come back home and after an hour he did.
He walked into the front room and I said, "fuck me." He looked at me and said, "This isn't the time, your mum just died innit."
I stood up and wiped my tears, i pulled out my tits, "Fuck me." I put his left hand on my right nipple and let him stroke it then i put my hand on his dick. It wasnt hard.
"What's wrong?", I said.
"I need you to get out of my house," he said.
I was shocked. "I know you fucked some guy at the Tinchy shoot."
I was shocked, I couldn't believe that he knew. "Dont ac' fuckin suprised- everyones talkin about u- you know your mums Nathan- he told his bredrin before he killed your mum dat he fucked you, everyone in London knows you're a fucking sket and I was da only person who cared for you and den you go fuck some guy and now he's braggin about it at some rave."

"Some rave?!, you told me you were shottin", i cried.
"I had to get away from you- i knew Nathan killed your mum cos u fucked him from da second da police told me but i let it slide- but den to hear you fucked some guy when IT WAS ME who saved you after you got fucking gang raped by SSK and their dog makes me sick- you really are ROCHELLESKET."
I slapped him and he grabbed me and threw me to the floor.
"And what! You're gay anyway! You fink I don't know bout you and Antoine!".
"And you still fucked me- dirty sket!."
So it was true. Omfg, I only said the fing about Antoine to get a reaction but it was true. He realised that he hadjust exposed himself to me, "You're gay" I whispered," After all dem times you called people chichi and batty you were da one who was gay."
I pushed past him and ran up to pack my suitcase, he followed me.
"It was only once," he said, "Please dont tell anybody."
I suddenly realised da power i now had. If da guys from da endz found out that Daniel was a batty man- they would kill him, cos dey would be shocked cos he was jus like a normal bre.
"3 bills" I said, "3 bills and I keep quiet about dis."
He reached into his pocket and gave me bare cash. I pretended to count it and said,"Dont ever fuckin come near me"
Den i left.
Dere I was, alone in the world. My mum gone. My best friend tried to kill me. my man betrayed me. The only person I had was myself. I had to go and see my nan- to straighten fings out wiv her. I know she hated me- she had hated me when she lived in Bados because one time when we went dere she caught me backing brain to her house boy and now she was here- and knew that i had fucked my mums man which had led to her death she would hate me even more. But i had to catch the night bus, at 2 in the morning to go the house dat i knew my nan was stayin in.
2 in the morning with 3 bills in my jean pocket, a Hello Kitty little suitcase in my hand and my Oyster card in da ova to see my nan because she was the only fam i had left.