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I knew the smell so well. Hospital.
I woke up looking up at the clean walls and turned to see the blue curtains, there was a drip in my arm but i didn't feel like i was dere, like i wasn't in my body.
"Chelle," she called and I answered and i begged her to let me back in.
"It's not my time yet."
"You've put me through too much, it's over."
"Please Chelle- let us in."
"Its over for us- you need to go-take it with you."
"No give it a chance- give me a chance."
I forced my way back into my body and lay there looking up at the clean walls, taking back my body and breath hurt for a while and all the physical pains i had felt hit my senses slowly but the feeling was of some comfort, a strange hurtful comfort.

"Rochelle?" I looked up to see a doctor looking down at me.
"Dr Cox," i replied, "what's happened to me."
He took a seat next to the hospital bed i was lying on, "We put you in a forced coma so you wouldn't feel any pain."
WTF was going on, "How did i get here- what the fuck happened?".
He looked at me with bare sadness, he was wearing a jacket and i realized dat he mustve come all da way from milton keynes.
"We did an x-ray, your brain is severely damaged, you were punched and that triggered your fainting."
"I'm brain damaged- how the fuck did that happen?", i was going mad- how the fuck was my brain damaged.
"We did an x-ray after your operation- your brain has small indentations in various places which aren't dangerous to your life but were enough to cause your body to shut down."
I burst into tears and then it hit me, he said operation- what operation?
"Your entire womb was infected Rochelle," he told me. "We had to remove your womb Rochelle- you can never have children."




I didnt know what to say or how to react it was all too much. I felt as tho sumfin i never cared about was gone and dere was nuffin i could do about it, "infected," i repeated, "how."
" I was at home when a dr from this hospital called me to say you had been brought in after you collapsed- i assumed it was a delayed reaction from your previous attack but when i got here I realized that part of the reason your body shut down was because there were infections eating away at your womb as well as the weakness in your brain."

"But how did it get infected?", i started crying, i wanted to die then because i knew exactly what it is.
"You were bleeding because you had a miscarriage Rochelle caused by unprotected sex."
I burst into tears but then wiped dem bare quick, "Dr.Cox am i gonna be ok?", i asked.
His face then looked down, "Rochelle- the police want to talk to you about your relationship with Robbie Higgins."
I didnt even know dat was robbies last name.
"Why?", i asked.
"You're under 18 and he admitted that you and he were in a sexual relationship."


I saw her face when i was where i was. i didn't know where it was but it was cold, she was the only one there and she smiled but i couldn't smile back because i knew what i had done and she did too but she was smiling and i couldnt smile back because she knew what had happened and said nothing, she let it go on and blamed me for it. My name wasn't my name when i was there with her because she didn't know it because the one that came out of her wasn't the one she was seeing.

The police came in and asked me questions.
"Were you forced to sleep with Mr.Higgins?".
"Was he aware of how old you are?"
"Dr. Mr.Higgins express any desire to hide your age from those around him."
"You are aware that is a criminal offence to engage in sexual acts with a minor, you are aware that you being under 18 means you are a minor, yes?"
"Yes i do."
"Thankyou."
"But what about that girl Monique-the one who punched me, where is she?"
"She's been arrested and is currently in custody- she could have killed you, we hope you get better soon." Then they left.

How many people were in pen cos of me, cos of the fings dey had done to me, now Robbies career would be fucked up cos he fucked me and now dat bitch Monique would be goin in 2, i knew i had to get out of london cuz if i stayed tings could bad, the whole world would know i was a sket once da papers found out my name and got my picture and i couldnt deal wiv it. my body felt over like it couldnt do anymore for me, i felt dead but i knew i wasnt and dat was da worst part, i fought to stay alive and when i won da fite i just wanted to go, be wiv my mum and my baby.
"Shaynice?"
"Rastalatua?"
"Nah nah Pelembesha is a pretty name for a baby girl."
If it was girl.
If it was a boy i would name after it's da- i didnt even know who that was. it could have been s many bres and dats wots shocked me, i would never knw who da father was.
I just lay dere in de bed lookin up dat da clean ceiling and touched myself making sure dat i was really dere, making sure dat my body hadnt been burnt by all the cum and piss that guys had put on me.
"Rochelle," i heard a voice say. he came from behind the curtains and looked at me.
"Daniel."
He took a seat next to da bed.
"Why are you here?", i asked.
"Dr.cox called and told me what happened- i'll look after you," man tried to touch my hair.
"Get da fuck off you dutty liar!".
He backed off, "im sorry about me and antoine," he said, "im not gay anymore."
I shook my head, i didnt need dis stress.
"Im straight innit- batty man fi dead," he said.
"You can say dat all you want but u still did that- i dont care if your gay- dats your bizness but da fact dat u were cussin gay people all da while you were gay yourself and fuckin me after you were putting ur- oh my fuckin gosh just get out."
Daniel had lost weight, he hadn't shaved or nuffin. "Chelle- you need help, let me help you."

"You make me sick," i told him, "i dont need anybodys help."
He tried to kiss me and den i said, "take dose lips from my face before i scream so hard i'll be coffin up my lunch." Den he got up and said, "i'll always love you Mrs.Rosehart." I turned my head away and let a tear roll down my sore face.
I heard him leave and when he did i turned my face and i put on da tv above the bed, i saw robbies face on it so i put it off. i felt sick of thinkin about it all and just as i was finkin about doing what i had been finkin of doin since i was 7 years old, Dr. Cox and anuva doctor walked in.
"Rochelle this is Dr. Meyers," Dr.Cox sed, "We've been looking over your x-rays and your brain is fine but we'll have to monitor you but you'll have to stay here for a week so we can make sure that the stitching we had to do around your nether regions isnt infected." I just nodded.
Dr. Meyers was a kind of skinny darkskin lady with big eyes and really big hair but her face kinda told me she was safe so i smiled at her.
"I'm a psychologist," she sed, "You don't mind if we have a few chats- lets say from tommorow."
"About wat," i asked.
"About how you got to this point but we'll talk about dat later- just us girls."
"Ok," i said.

Da following day came so quick, some nurses had to help me into da lift so i could get to Dr.Meyers office.
Dey helped me in and i took a seat opposite her desk, she was sittin dere smilin.
"How do you feel today Rochelle- i can call you that?".
"Yeah yeah im fine- yes rochelle is fine you can call me dat."

"Rochelle i know you've been through a lot, i have about 7 police reports here which tell me how eventful this summer holiday has been for you but i dont care about what you did and what you didn't do, i want to know about you- so tell me who you are."

"How do you mean?"

"Ok i'll show you- my name is Sandra Meyers, i'm 36 years old, I'm married with two children, my parents are originally from Guyana and my favourite thing to do is eat the burnt ends of pizza."

I smiled, "see its not that hard," she said, "now you try."

It took me some time but i said, "my names Rochelle Mary Whitely, I'm 17 years old and I-" den i started crying.
"Take your time, take all the time in the world."
I looked at her and started again, "Rochelle Mary Whitely i'm 17 and when I was 6 i wanted to be the pink ranger from power rangers."
Me and Sandra started bussin up, "You know who i wanted to be?", she asked, "I wanted to be Barbie but when i was little they didnt have Barbie in my color so i decided that i just wanted to be me."

"Dats beautiful," i said.
"What is," she asked.
"Dat you just wanted to be you."
She smiled, "well thats all you can be Rochelle, you can only be who you were made to be but that doesnt mean we cant strive to be better, we humans have to work had to be the best version of ourselves- thats the best way to live, so what's the best version of yourself- when did you last feel as though you were perfect."

It took me some time and den i said, "When i was 11 i did my school leavers play and i was Sandy from grease, everyone loved it it was bare cheesy."
"But you felt perfect, why?".
"Cos every1 was like ah well done chelle you were so good."
"You were being recognised for your talent and not something else."
"Yeah."
"When was the last time you felt alone."
"I always feel alone after sex."
"Why do you think that is?"
"After the guys finished he just goes, i like it when we're together and he's inside of me- im sorry for soundin bare vulgar."
"Oh no no- go ahead.
"Like when im having sex- i feel safe and warm cos if he's on top of me nuffin can get to me without having to get thru him first and as soon as its finished i'm alone again and fings can get to me without having to try."

"What things."
"I don't know- like when im underneath a guy I know dat im liked but as soon as its done i feel like ive just been used."
"Have you ever considered the idea that you could be using men for sex as opposed to them using you?".
"How do you mean?".
"If you say having sex makes you feel safe- then you have sex for your own brief but very personal gratification- you understand that word," i nodded, "sex is a beautiful thing when two people are in tune together outside of it, but when its all you have it can become very lonely when its gone, sex makes you feel wanted because you feel unwanted, why is that?".

Tears ran down my eyes, "I never felt dat i was important to anybody, fings happened dat people i loved knew about and dey didn't save me."
"What happened to you Rochelle?".
"Someone hurt me- when i was little."
"Was this a physical or mental hurt."
"Both," i said, "and nobody believed me."
"And that experience took away your sense of identity- your sense of any worth in the world, am i right?",i nodded, "sometimes when somebody we trust or love violates us we blame ourselves and spend so much time blaming ourselves for things we cannot control, you can forget to love yourself and not loving yourself can lead to you doing anything to find some sort of love or affection."
"But how do you love yourself- how can you love you - dats not normal."
"When you accept yourself for you who are you realize that you have to respect yourself, when you respect yourself you value your opinions and emotions and then you learn to love who you are because you respect and accept yourself, when someobody is damaged at a time when they just learning to understand themselves, they forget to accept, respect and love themselves which leads them to doing things to themselves which they later regret when they learn to love who they are."
"Is that why i do what i do."
"Only you know that Rochelle."
"But how do i learn to accept myself."


Two months past and i was living in a bedsit, temporary accomodation is what they called it until the council could find me a place of my own, i hadnt seen anyfin in the press about me but i did read a paper where dey were saying dere was a rumor about him and an underaged girl which i knew was me.
I had been going to the hospital for regular check ups and meetings wiv sandra and i was starting to feel a bit better but they put me on paracetemols for my headaches and i was getting a bit onf counselling for what happend wiv my mum and the baby. I would never have children. I would never be able to call myself mum and just as i thort that i took Sandra's advice.

I took off all my clothes. Naked. I stood in front of the long dirty mirror in da dirty bathroom.
"I am Rochelle, i've made mistakes- but I am me- i will learn to accept myself, so i can respect myself and then to love myself."
I looked at my naked body and it still looked dirty to me, I could see the cumstains if tho dey were gone and i could taste the dick in my mouth even tho my tongue was clean. I stood in front of dat mirror for two hours lookin at my self and den i fell asleep.



8.30pm- Holloway Female Prison.
"Sherice- the case against you has been dropped- i just heard the warden say your appeal was succesful - you can get out and see your mum."
Sherice looked up at her cell mate and could see she wasn't joking.
"What are you going to do when you get out?".
"We Chelle see."