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Remember that episode where Zack and Slater were fighting over the same girl? It was a landmark moment; for years 'Saved by the Bell' fans had long wondered, "Who would win in a fight - Zack or Slater? Preppy or the Macho Hunk?"

Unfortunately, Mr. Belding stepped in and broke up the fight. The question went unanswered, the fans became angry, and the series was soon cancelled after the fallout of Mr. Belding's ill-advised intervention.

But over the four full seasons of Saved by the Bell, I have amassed a large amount of data that could lead to a good guess of the result, and hopefully put the questions to rest. We will likely never see the two fight again, so this is the best we'll ever have.

Without further adieu, let's run down the tale of the tape.

Chicks dated in high school:

Zack Morris: At graduation, Zack confessed to having dated around 72 girls during his high school career. This includes each of his three closest friends at some point – what a skank. Notable dates include a biker chick, the fattest chick in school that won him at a dating auction, the head cheerleader, a girl in a wheelchair, and a wrestler that had to save him from a bully at the Max. To say that Zack has dated both ends of the spectrum and all points in between would be an understatement.
A tabloid photo has surfaced recently, hinting at the possibility that Zack may have had an affair with his best friend, Screech.


AC Slater: he’s dated a whale defender, a tree hugger, and a chick hooked on caffeine pills, all rolled into one girl! Very impressive. The problem is, Zack bumped her too. To further add to AC’s story, he’s also dated a long-lost love from Europe, and a bikini chick that faked her own drowning just to catch his attention. Unfortunately, both women split the episode after he hooked up with them, which leads me to believe that for all those guns he’s packing, he fires serious blanks.

Analysis: No question; Zack is king of the male skanks. Through his dating, he has shown that friendship is a line that he’ll walk and hump all over to get to a girl. With Slater’s younger sister, the object of Screech’s affection, and his best girl friend since childhood under his belt (figuratively, and literally, at one point in time), Zack blows Slater away (figuratively, not literally).

Edge:


Zack Morris

Hair

Zack Morris: his beach blonde hair was pivotal in bestowing Bayside hunk status to him. Aside from all the gel it took to hold it all in place, believe it or not, he’s not naturally blonde!!!

Picture from NYPD Blue.

AC Slater: naturally curly, jet black. And his hair was somewhat revolutionary for the 90’s; it represented one of the final vestiges of that beloved hair style of the 70’s, the mullet.

Analysis: just as it goes with breasts, natural defeats artificial in my book. And nothing, NOTHING, defeats a mullet.

Edge:

AC Slater

Accessories:

Zack Morris: light years ahead of the current generation, Zack carried around a cell phone brick back when most of us didn’t even have a land line in our own room. Cell phone craze of the late 21 century? “That is soooo ten years ago!” says Zack. Also had a Nerf basketball hung on his closet door, which is probably why he was captain of the school basketball team.

AC Slater: A tank top, he always wore a tank top. Slater knows the way to a woman’s heart is to take her to the gun show. Slater had a good physique, and in today’s ‘roid raging society, I have no choice but to assume that he carried a loaded syringe at all times.

Analysis: An extremely tough call. Both were approximately ten years ahead of current civilization; Zack with the cell phone and Slater with the roids. Unfortunatey, steroids are banned from professional sports (and are frowned upon in general), while girls as young as six years old own cellulars these days. However, this advantage is quickly squashed by the fact that the gynormous cell phone has likely given off loads of radiation into Zack’s brain, long before scientists became concerned of their harmful effects. Either he’s become super smart with augmented reflexes, or he’ll be dead from cancer in months. Unfortunately, we don’t know which.

Edge:


Draw


Weapons

Zack Morris: The Zack attack (not referring to his music band) is two-fold. His hipness wasn’t just for aesthetics, it was functional. That brick he called a cell phone could’ve easily cracked a skull in half. Secondly; I’m sorry, but you don’t date 72 girls within a four year span without catching some sort of disease. This is a dual-edged sword; though it means certain death for Zack sometime in the near future, if both he and Slater get cut open during their battle, guess what Slater? Genital warts will be the least of your worries.

AC Slater: AC’s biggest weapons at his disposal come from within. He’s got major guns, so the power advantage is obvious. Plus, as an amateur wrestler, he’ll likely be on his way to victory if he can get Zack on the floor. Needs to stay away from a striking match; though his hits will surely hit harder, Zack’s got the brick.

Analysis: From the outset, this one looks like a clear decision; which would you rather have in a fight – a brick or a gun? Unfortunately, Slater’s guns don’t give him any long-range advantage, he’ll have to get in close. Brick aside, if you get within a two–metre radius of Zack, congratulations - you’ve contracted airborne Herpes.

Edge:


Zack Morris

Current career

Zack Morris: Immediately following the end of the Saved by the Bell run, oddly enough, the actor portraying the star of the show found himself to be the only one collecting unemployment cheques (Lisa Turtle was on a soap opera, Screech became Belding’s assistant at the school, Slater went to Pacific Blue, Jesse did Showgirls and Kelly went to 90210). Eventually he landed a spot on ABC’s NYPD Blue, and stayed on the show until its finale.

AC Slater: Landed on Pacific Blue (otherwise known as Baywatch on speed bikes). I also remember him hosting some temporary game show on TV. Last night I was watching late night infomercials, and I think it may have been him vouching for a new face cream.

Analysis: he may have stumbled out of the gate, but Zack has done much better since graduating Bayside High. Yes, Slater has, technically, been more busy than this blonde opponent. But think of it this way; would you rather sit around a year or two before landing a big executive job, or work constantly at several fast food joints? Me too.

Edge:


Zack Morris

Zack Morris - 3 AC Slater - 1

Winner:


Zack Morris

Was there really any doubt? Zack was the face of Bayside High. When Slater first arrived on the scene, he definately gave Zack a run for his money, offering a legitimate challenge in every facet of Zack's being - playing hookey and going out with Kelly. But in the end, Zack was always triumphant. So it should be no surprise that in a straight up fight, Zack would be victorious.